Normal Jokes

Research on Bullfrogs

Santa the biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog jumped across the room.
Santa measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."
Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After measuring the distance, Santa noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet."
Next, Santa cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"
The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" Santa repeated.
Nothing.
Santa noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."

Answering machines

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
----
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
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Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
---

The colonel's order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

Beedi jalayi le in english

DAAN DOONG DUDUNG DAAN DOONG DUDUNG......
NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST US
MOTHER IN LAW
NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST
MOTHER IN LAW

ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY'S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
DAAN DOONG DUDUNG DAAN DOONG DUDUNG......
DONT NOT TAKE OUT SMOKE FROM THE LIPS DONT NOT TAKE OUT SMOKE FROM THE
LIPS THE WORLD IS VERY CROOKED
LIT UP THE CIGGI FROM LIVER OH LOVER
THERE IS LOT OF FIRE IN THE LIVER
ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY'S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE

NOT GLASS
NOT STOLE
COLD AIR IS ALSO AGAINST
MOTHER IN LAW
ITS SO CHILLY TAKE SOMEBODY'S QUILT GO AND TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS
STOVE
TAKE FIRE FROM NEIGHBORS STOVE
YEAH YEAH
NOT CRIME
NOT CHAOS
WITHOUT SIN DIED
U CALLED ME I

an MBA & a CA

A MBA and a CA go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep. Some hours later, the CA wakes his MBA friend. "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
The CA is silent for a moment, and then speaks. "Practically...Someone has stolen our tent!"

Shy guy in a Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?

"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Hot water Bath with Bubbles

A survey guy goes to this real tall building, he climbs up the stairs and goes to the first floor. His goal is to find out what people age group people like to do for pleasure.

So he goes to the first floor finds a teenager there, asks him the questions. He replies " I am 18 yrs old and I like to have a hot water bath with bubbles!!"

He's like okay....silly kiddo....goes on to the next floor....an older guy is there he replies " I am 29 years old and I like to have a hot water bath with bubbles!!"

So the survey guy keeps going up and he sees that as he's going further up, all residents are men and the age of people is increasing....he reaches the 2nd last floor to the top. A veryyy old man opens the door.....he asks him the question and old man replies " I am 75 years old and I like to have a hot water bath with bubbles....."

Now the survey guy is like totally preplexed, whole damn building wanted to take a hot water bath, whats wrong, he decides to go to the last floor

He knocks and waits....the door opens and there's a damn hot Blonde who greets him "Hi I am Bubbles "

"A Poor Family"

Once in a kintergarden, a teacher asks all students to write an essay on the topic " A Poor Family".One student gets the lowest marks for writing that essay . The student happens to be the richest girl in the entire class and her essay goes on as.......

She writes:

Ek baar ek bahut hee gareeb family thi, husband aur wife dono gareeb they, do bachey they, woh bhi bahut gareeb they!!

Ghar ke saare naukar bhi gareeb they, ghar ka maali, driver, aur guard bhi bahut gareeb they, ghar ke 4 kuttey bhi gareeb they, 2 din sey chicken nahi khaaya tha, 3 mercedeez car thi, unki bahut time se servicing nahi hui thi,

Ghar ka A.C bhi theek nahi chalta tha ghar mein 1 saal sey paint nahi hua
tha family ko holiday ke liye foregin country gaye bhi 6 mahiney ho
gaye they,ghar ke 5 mein sey 2 TV to chaltey hee nahi they, all in
all, bahut he gareeb family thi!!

Stupid Answers :)

1 Q: Whats the name of ruti's mother?

A: Maruti!!!

Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.

What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

What is the famous last words in surgery?
Ouch

What did yogurt say to milk?
What's up dood?

Why can't skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs!

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.

What's long, yellow, and has been out in the sun too long?
A bananna peel

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequilla! (to kill her)

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb into a tree and act like a nut...

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Because he was dead.

What begins with E and ends with E and has a letter in between?
An envelope

only for IT guys

Ramu : Hey.. my submarine software is not sinking into the water!!
what could be wrong?

Somu : may be u have used double
instead of float in the software

HEIGHT

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:
Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:
Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:
The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:
A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:
A person sending email to himself

HEIGTHT OF EXPECTATION:
Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:
You are swimming in the water pond and shout "F1 F1 F1 " instead of shouting "HELP" when you are unable to swim.

HEIGHT of MY FRIENDSHIP:
I am always mailing you even though you don't.

Expensive! Electronic hair dryer

Distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, " Father, may I ask a favor?"

" Of course. What may I do for you?"

" Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps ?"

" I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

" With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, " Father, do you have anything to declare ?"

" From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, " And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

" I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, " Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

What Women Want in Men

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her ofcourse !)

Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly ( bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until she's seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she's talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when she's talking
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn't spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers

Salesman of Coca Cola

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

"What gender is computer?"

A Language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine.

"'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for their recommendations.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Namaz

TEEEEN AADMI NAMAZ PARH RAHAI THAI,
UN K SAAMNE SE BILI(CAT) GUZRI,
TO PEHLA BOLA ARAY WO DEKHO BILI,
DOOSRA BOLA SHUTUP NAMAZ MIEN NAHI BOLTE AUR
TEEESRA BOLA SHUKAR HAI MIEN NAHI BOLA

Filmi Proposal

Aik Larkay ka Filmi Proposal Uss Ki Girl Friend K Liye:

Bohat Khubsoorat Ghazal Likh Raha Hoon,
Tumhari bari behen Ghazal ko Dekh k Likh Raha Hoon,
Ummed hai tum ussay meray liye phasaogi,
Humari pyaar ki duhai na deyna,
Shaadi k baad dahaij main tum bhi aoogi,
Phasaana thaa ussay phass gayi tum,
Miljayegi woh toh tum hojana Ghum,
Bohat Khubsoorat Ghazal Likh raha hoon,
Tumhari Bari behen Ghazal ko dekh k likh raha hoon,

Ashqui main bohat say chance ayegay,
Shaadi k baad hum tumharay ghar bhi jayegay,
Extra Marital Affair SuperHit Karayegay,
HopeFully Indian Film Murder Part-2 Banayegay,
Malika Sharawat Tum banogi,
Eemran hashmi Bhi tum he hona,
Agar Phuss gayi hum donno aik saath,
toh acha lagayga tum ko khona,
Bohat Khubsurat Ghazal Likh raha Hoon,
Tumhari Barri Behen Ghazal Ko Dekh K Aaj Kal Likh raha hoon

Driving tips for biginners!!!!!!!!!

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and they are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
12. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Heaven for orientation

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are

all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends

and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about

you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that

I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband

and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear

them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"