Husband Wife Jokes

Last Night

Wife : U were drunk last night, and insulted ur boss in the party.

Husband: Aaaah!!! Piss on him!!!

Wife : Well u did that and he fired u!!!

Husband : Ohhhh!!! F**k him honey!!!

Wife : I did that and now u can go back to your work !!!!

She's left-handed

A husband and wife are sitting

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?“

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!“

WIFE: “Why not - don“t you like being married?“

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.“

WIFE: “Then why wouldn“t you remarry?“

HUSBAND: “Okay, I“d get married again.“

WIFE: “You would?“ (with a hurtful look on her face).

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?“

HUSBAND: “Sure, it“s a great house.“

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?“

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.“

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?“

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.“

WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?“

HUSBAND: “No, she“s left-handed.“

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: “Shit.“

Thirty SIx

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer
before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing
young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she
invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate
love.

On the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him something
awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin
their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I
played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman,
went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it
won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."

His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You
played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

Door Bell

A woman who'd been married twice and divorced twice was finally fed up.
Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with
another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking,
single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
man with no arms and legs in a wheelchair on her front porch. "I'm here
about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken,"she says. "Let me
explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run
away, because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks,"How do I know
you're good in bed?" "Madam how do you think I rang your bell?" was the
quick retort.

Lawyer and His wife

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Mortician

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever
seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"

Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.



"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

on demand dog

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when
he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the
first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in
single line. Whose funeral is it? "

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog attacked and killed her also. "
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man calmly replied "Join the queue."

A Email to Wife

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed intothe room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
It is very hot out here.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby

A Month Overdue

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a
baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? "

"Yes...... speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue"

" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are
overdue""I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight.
... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle

Before Marriage & After Marriage

Before Marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Now after Marriage, you can read from bottom to the top

Total Signs Of Flirting

*~*For Guys*~*
1. She makes eye contact and smiles at you.
2. She hits you softly on the arm and laughs when you say something funny.

3. She flips her hair when she's talking to you.

4. She touches your arm when she talks to you.

5. She says, "No, I'm not telling you who I like!" with a big smile on her face
6. She asks you who you like or who you would go out with seemingly interested.

7. When you go to the movies with a bunch of your friends and she is almost always next to you.
8. She criticizes you on a girl you like.

9. You catch her staring at you.
10. She plays with your hair or tries to put make up on you.

11. Her friends outside of school and in school know about you, and says she talks about you a lot.

12. She knows your phone number and address.

13. She will try and talk, and spend time with you as much as possible

*******************************************************
*~*For Girls*~*
1. He stares at you a lot.
2. He hits you a lot. (just play hitting )

3. He uses the first thing that pops into his head to start a conversation with you
4. He yelled, "Hi!", to your mom that day she picked you up from school.

5. He blew off his buds to go see "Run Away Bride" with you cuz you
couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.
6. He tries to make you laugh anyway even if he gets hurt in the process

7. His voice gets softer ("Hey, you") when ever you two talk.
8. You hung up on him. He called you back.

9. You where invited by him to a group outing.
10. He called you to talk about nothing at all.

11. He imitates your laugh. OK, you do snort sometimes. Which makes you
laugh even harder.
12. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.

13. He sometimes stares straight into your eyes.

14. He every possible way to touch you (your hair, face, ass, thighs, ect.)

Husband & Wife

>My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
>>
>> Henny Youngman
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
>>
>> Rodney Dangerfield
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
>>
>> Milton Berle
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>>
>> George Burns
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in
>>the carburetor."
>>
>> I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
>>
>>
>> Henny Youngman
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
>>
>> Phyllis Diller
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
>>
>> Henny Youngman
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
>>fool when married you."
>>
>> The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice."
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let
>>him keep her.
>>
>>
>>---------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt
>>her.
>>
>>
>>---------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
>>myself two girlfriends.
>>
>>
>>----------------------------------------------------------
>>
>> A man said his credit card was stolen but he decide